All About Us:
First it would probably be best to describe what prompted
this section of Better Tomorrows, I promised, at some point last year I would sit
down and layout the forming of Better Tomorrows and My personal Testimony.
Let's start with Better Tomorrows, Over twenty years ago
Sister Stephanie asked me to help her at a center there is where the paper (The
Spirituality Paper. * Better Tomorrows.), was born, we severed the Lord helping
the homeless and those in recovery.
It was requested by the primary donator we not call the
paper "A Christian paper" – there allowing it to be for all faiths,
to all religions. He wanted people from all levels of belief to feel as if they
were not being pressured into a single religion. Well, of course my augment was
and still is Christianity is not a religion but a way of life, this is of
course a discussion for another paper. As a Believer in Christ, I believe His teachings
are a way of life not a religion.
I was told most of the staff had served time in prison together.
The only reason I stopped in that state (Of America.), was because a snow storm
prevented my going on to an Indian Reservation a Friend and I was in rout to at
When I saw all the problems at the center I thought this is
clearly a issue, I mean, people getting into physical confrontation all the
time, augments, over next to nothing, seemed as if there was so much hostility
and a great need, in my opinion for intervention, of the soft that only could only
come with a little Foundational Spirit filled kind of Intervention God instilled.
I did not know at the time what the problem was I just knew
God did not want me to walk away and leave the problem to continue. To be
honest I thought I would be at the center a few months at most get rid of the
problems and head on to the reservation. God had other plans for me.
Huge story made short the resident director and son was
selling crack cocaine out of the front of the building. The former
Administrative director was saying nothing because about what that man and son
was doing or about the Food service director who was molesting children of the
community in the attic of the center. The former administrator said nothing
about them doing what they had going on because he was stealing donated monies
from the community buying up properties all around town.
I was a huge threat, because I could not be brought. I could
not be threatened, well, I was it just did not change my opinion about the
issues. I could not be shut up although they did about all they could do other
than shoot me, my car was stolen, people broke into my house, caused me hundred
of dollars in expenses...etc...etc. but I would not be influenced by their tactics’
and more importantly God knew that.
When I caught the food director in the attic with a sixteen
year old boy, I went to the director of the center then the associate direct
Both Robert (Bob.) Keck and Paul Kosh were working together to keep me silent.
Keck had a degree in psychology and wrote up papers saying I had a mental
disorder, that was about the funnies.
I went to the administrator of the center again, although
the whole story had not fallen into place yet. I tried everything to get the
matter taken care of I even spoke to the police, knowing that was one of the
centers cardinal sins. Involving the police, The police told me I needed
pictures to get him arrested. So I went to Senator Ben Nelson, wrote the
President of the Unites States a letter.
That letter was not just about the center any-longer while I
sat and wrote the paper for the board of directors at the center and the
President of the United States a little girl was abducted right out in front of
her house. People came from miles away hours of driving just to help find that
child. Police from about every local area put in hours even off the clock to
find this missing little girl.
As I wrote I prayer that she be returned to her mother, days
later her naked, raped body was found by a man driving to work she had been thrown
in a ditch. It broke my heart and still does today recalling the experience I
prayed with that mother, in spirit, as she pleaded over the TV air-ways to the
abductor to please return her child. When the body was retrieved it fueled in
me a quest that has never ended.
Since then I have done what ever I could to help in the
broadcast and publication of missing children. Since the year 2000 we took on a
new look and website for Better Tomorrows instead of just a Zine it took on a
whole new face.
Crimes Against Children
Serenity Unveiled (The recovery paper.)
Sour Like An Eagle (Building site Teens for Christ)
The Lycos .com papers became known world wide since Lycos
has allowed Better Tomorrows and Crimes Against Children and Serenity Unveiled
into the homes of people on a massive level world wide, and still does today.
Back in 2000 also we separated the papers. Young people
wrote they loved the paper but had no addiction problems. We separated the
paper and *Serenity Unveiled was born and has been the Recovery (A.A.), related
Crimes Against Children has always had the same name, I
almost bought the names several times, but to be honest, I did not think I
would be alive this long. Years back a robbery took place, these robbers killed
the man they robbed after myself. I think they thought I was dead. I came up
from the floor fighting the eight men, they ran away firing a gun the bullet
went right by my ear. God saved me yet again from certain death.
The reconstructive surgeon said they hit me with something
like a bat, not a bat or I would have died but something similar with a great
deal of force, for some time I was unconscious, by the time the ambulance came
for me, the police thought this was just another mugging.
The hospital could not get much information from me, at the
time and when they could not find my insurance card sent me home. Problem was
my face and scull had so much damage the neck and spinal damage became
It was believed, I guess there was not as much damage as
there truly was, the emergency people sent me home since I did not have my
insurance card on me. They told me to return in the morning, the reconstructive
surgeon took my ribs and reconstructed my face and scull, but it was too late
to recover from the damage done to the neck and spine.
I spent almost four year in a thematic Brace, this back
brace went from the end of the scull to the mid Posterior, later I was offered
a plastic lumbar brace for two years. Slowly my condition became worse and
worse and I was forced to move from a cane to a walker, a walker to a
wheelchair and later spent six years in an electric wheelchair. But the Good
news is I finally made it out of the electric chair with a lot of work I
started moving better as time passed.
It was a very slow, very painful, extremely intense journey
to travel, I have been blessed in so many ways, I have many time wanted to give
up, wanted to give up on the papers, but every time God has shown me that the
steps I was making were making a difference in me and in the lives of His
I was truly blessed when I found out that young people
Teenagers, college students were reading the devotional papers and people last
time I check in their sixties and seventies were reading the papers also, it
just amazed me the work God has done with these fingers the doctors said I
would not be able to use my hands eventually.
You see along with all the spine stuff came also nerve
damage to the spine and for sometime they could not define to the extent the
damage even to the vertebras’ slowly the real damage started showing itself but
at least as far as I could get out of the doctors eventually I was going to be
fine, according to them. Well, that was a long, long time ago now they know
differently, in-fact, back ten years ago the chief Nero surgeon stated he
predicted I would not make it to the end of the year.
You see in order for me to move, I have to take a great deal
of medications, these medications is what have been the largest risk to my
physical condition, because before they had any kind of definition, they
thought well, we will give him these medications’ and eventually he will be
In-fact two separate neurologists told me eventually you
will get better the body is always repairing itself when there is something
wrong you watch you will be alright. Then I ended up in a wheelchair and they
said well, maybe that is not going to happen for you. Later they determined the
name of my
condition was what they called PDD (A Progressive Degenerative Disc Disease
with Nerve damage to the right side of the body.) The upper body pain is caused
by three discs in the neck pressed against the nerve, they cause the pain from body
movement, A Disc in the mid spine and four in the lower back damaged to the
point of separations’ that cause grinding against the other discs. However the
greatest problems aside of the pain is the damage the medications are creating
with my liver, kidneys and other organs of the body.
Aside of all that though, - inasmuch as I cannot leave my
home very often, I do get to talk online with people all the time. people in
recovery sites and Spiritually based site all over the world. There are
Thousands of people that read the papers from all over the world.
This part of the story is what is so awesome you see, I was
raised in a very strange type of setting, I was just sharing in a paper that
for me and my other siblings abuse in our home was like a second language, we
might not understood everything, at the time, but we understood what we lived.
One of the incidence I shared was when I was tied to a freezer for three some
odd days, I never knew what the out come was of that incident until years
later, all I knew was no one was coming down to beat me any further and I was
going to be set free by the end of the weekend. But when I was as young as like
four years old when I heard the Vehicle pull into the drive way I would start
crying, I had learned fast that it did not take much of any reason to get beat
in my home, it was a great time of fear for me, at least at that age, I
eventually stopped hurting as much from the beatings. I later learned that my
other sister and twin
brother experienced some horrific things growing up.
I shared that when as young, I had the advantage the other
kids in my family did not have. The state removed me from the home several times.
So when I was getting beat or something bad was happening to me. I shared the
old cliché "someone somewhere is experiencing far worse than you are right
now." it was true for me, in my eyes, at the time, I had met kids that had
been burned, cigarette put out on their skin, forced to drink cleaning fluids,
cut, their hair pulled out. Sexually abused, kids who’s hands had been held
over fire, unimaginable things. But at the time the state would continue to try
to reunite me with my parents only to have to take me away again.
I understood why kids could not relate to people other than
the other children that have experienced what they had gone through. Children
that talked differently because their parents had made them drink drain
cleaner, lighter fluid, or bleach or some other grotesque things an adult could
do to a child.
I met scores of children that knew about beatings and wore
scares from their biological parents or care givers that were supposed to love
The worse for me was sexual abuse since I could remember I
had been abused sexually by both sexes, in-fact my mother knew of a family
member (Male) was abusing me and she condoned his behavior. I remember the first
time as if it was
yesterday and I was not even five years old yet. I met kids that were raped by
their father and brother coached by their father, just unimaginable stuff.
Later in life I learned all there was to know about abuse
and physiology I was a teenager reading books that college graduates studied
for the doctorate degrees’. People considered me a very strange person for
reading such materials, they often asked me if I understood all I read, I would
say "Of course I do." My time was spent growing up real fast, I have
always kidded that, this is the reason I relate so well to young people and
children, because a part of me never had those experiences, never had the opportunity
to have a real childhood, I guess I understand kids. It delights me to just
watch children play, have fun I am often blessed greatly by God creation it
bothers me to a great deal anyone who would want to steal their childhood away.
When I was fifteen the state issued me a proclamation, which
just means that I could work a full time job as an adult. I bounced back and
forth though never really having a real bearing until a little later all the
feelings of the things I had experienced as a child. This was foremost the
reason I studied abuse and psychology, sociology physiotherapy, philosophy and
social reform. I also studied business management.
I made great money was very dedicated to my work and never
took off for holiday, vacations or special days. I became a workaholic, I
worked the some from any position I took but mostly I was in some leadership,
managerial position, In some places of employment I was the very youngest
manager they had ever had.
One of my issues however was depression, I always took
medications for depression all my life, since I was twelve years old. My mother
would give my twin brother and I bottles of half milk, half wine so there were
clear reasons why the two of s suffered from various issues growing up.
At first I never touched any kind of street drugs but I would use beer to go to
sleep, that became an on and off issue because alcoholism is something that has
affected certain parties in my own family tree. Between depression and drinking
I had pretty much built up walls around me. I would have these massive memories
of the childhood I experienced. I was one of those people that thought at the
time, I can deal with this, just not thinking about it, will make it go away,
when that is just not true.
My social still varied, I had friends but was not and still
am not to a huge degree a real social person. My illness has affected that even
to great degrees out-side of the Internet I just do not meet a lot of people
socially, again I still do have friends, yet a large number of them today are
That is mostly because I move very little mostly just my
hands. I rarely go anywhere for anything, it takes a great deal of energy and
stamina for me to make little trips
any-place, I have friends who help me get groceries, take care little jobs etc.
I talk to people all the time and God has helped me in so
many ways, that is what is funny about me, you know I talk to people today that
have gone through massive obstacles’ in their lives. people that battled or are
battling illness, incurable diseases, over the years I have spoke to many who
suffered from cancer people that lost the battle and others who over-come the
disease, it is nice to know that no matter the disease there can be a light for
some at the end of the tunnel.
The others I always prayed they see the transition from this
existence a better place to the greater
beyond with the Heavenly Father. Funny story I will have to share in a paper, I
was real sick for a while and things did not look good, I was in and out of
this state, I was real sick my body come to find out was having a real negative
reaction to a medication I had been prescribed, that medication and another I
had been taking for years reacted badly together, to the point it could
actually stop your heart. I was in and out of consciousness’ a friend told me I
kept saying I was ready to go home. I don’t remember saying anything but he
said you kept saying you were ready to go home.
There have been people who started talking to me who had so
much anger they had to deal with, but for the most part I could see them moving
into a whole different direction. A new sense of being. It is rewarding to see
Gods hand at work in the lives of people.
One of the things I have mentioned before but hate to talk
about is, when the robbery happen, a few things happen to me that bothered me,
one was that I lost some of myself. I know that sounds crazy, but I lost parts
of my memory, hens the medical stuff the Associate director at that center
tried to pull, saying I was mentally unstable because I would not stand by and
allow them to ruin people lives. I lost both long term and short term memory. I
mean I think sometimes I am getting better and better and I want to hold to
that idea, yet there are times when, for instance, I used to kid with people,
and tell them about forgetting how to spell words like "what" or
another thing that is crazy is I took accounting, auditing and business finance
and today I have to use a calculator for most everything
I cannot trust my memory to do the mathematics correctly.
But they tell me, my memory will get better. Right after the robbery I had
three strokes and that could have been a contributory factor to any memory
stuff. I also talked to a woman who had a stroke and she was telling me she had
to go back and learn from third grade level everything again but she went on to
get her degree in nursing. Always that Light at the end of the tunnel.
What was real bad was a few times I forgot where I lived, it
has happen to me here in California, but when I lived in Nebraska I had lived
in that building for over eight years, so when I could not find my house it
brought my memory issues to light.
All my life I have gone to church, but I can't remember
when, but there was a time in my life when I thought "I can never do
this." I mean I had heard all the ways I was supposed to be. Listen to all
the things I was supposed to do. I had heard all the sermons about my becoming
this perfect Christian that it was about my choice in life to live a Christ
Like Life. Every time I looked at my life I found I just could not be this
I would pray that God change me to be the person He had
out-lined in His word I was supposed to be, it seemed my prayers were never
answered. I remember hearing this minister Kenneth Copeland, he was saying if
you were not hearing from God it was most probably because your life did not
match up to the word of God, and therefore you most probably were not a
Christian. I mean he was preaching what most of us have heard most our lives so
it was not what he said, it was how I interrupted what he said. I said to
myself "Maybe I never was a Christian and maybe I will never be one."
In retrospect I think my depression was affecting a lot my choices those days.
One of the major reasons I changed carriers had totally to
do with my depression, I tried for years to self medicate which created its own
problematic circumstances with my wellness. One thing always held true for me
though, I would not allow anything I did out-side of my Job affect my Job. But
only seeking medical help on and off affected my disposition because depression
would take me into days I could not leave the house and no one want supervisors
they have to worry about health wise.
One of my general managers told me something I never forgot,
he said, "99.91/2 percent of the time you are the best manager any one
could ever want, it is times when you get sick and cannot come to work for a
few days that is of great issue to us." that conversation did not change
my mind about staying with the company but it sure helped me understand that I
had to be a part of my wellness.
It is not unlike today I have to be a part of my wellness, I
have to take an active part in making sure I get better, as better as is possible,
today I experience pain when I wake up - to - in most cases when I go to bed.
The difference is the amount of movement, the amount of time I am on my feet,
the lifting anything, how long I stay awake. Often a nap changes my whole day,
I have to take an active role in what happens to me regarding my health. There
is always a Light at the end of The Tunnel.
if you are looking for that Light, no matter where you are
in life, -- one thing I can tell you is God is not out to hamper a brethren's walk, --
He means for you to be fruitful and live in greatness in the
spirit and in Light.
One thing I can tell you about that, is this, I would not be
today where I am with Better Tomorrows, Crimes Against Children, Serenity
Unveiled and Golden Nuggets had that robbery not happen in my life. I don't
know how else to say it without coming right out and saying that, because I
know me. I had started to build a business and I would be working for myself
today as a business owner had that change not happen in my life.
Secondly, I can honestly tell you that I had walked away
from my beliefs. I think I nailed the part of this down in a recent devotional.
I think for me I had this idea, at the time, that I was suppose to be this
perfect person, and I was far from the description. When I learned that it is
about my relationship with Christ, not what I can do, I can't do anything by
myself, that is clear. He made this paper, He is the writer of this paper, I am
just the instrument in which He chose to use, and very grateful, I am, that He
I wish there was a way to describe to you better how things
were in my life then, yet for example, I cannot remember how old I was, but
there was a time in my childhood when I stopped talking. It was not for
attention, the attention I received was negative attention. I had been
abandoned four time in places like a bus station the state would take me.
Then again just give me back to my family. I stopped
talking, not that I couldn't talk, I just had nothing to say for about two
years I was none communicative, funny I remembered that it ties into this weird
feeling I had at the time about who God was and being able to understand who I
was, every one, at least at the time, acted like to be a believer, saved by
Christ, you were supposed to be perfect or getting to the point of perfection.
I couldn't, - didn’t act, - didn't think wasn't perfect
your taught you should feel guilty for not being or becoming the same as
everyone else in the church. I was led to believe that if you were a child of
God then you were required to become this perfect person described in the
As hard as I tried I could never be perfect, at the time
that is all you heard also in radio and television, bombarded with perfection,
companies that had the perfect employees, perfect product, perfect idea,
perfect solution to mans problem. The perfect agenda for the right kind of
people, it was crazy.
One of the largest series at the time of Better Tomorrows
"One." here (A series is just a set of papers of the same subject or
relating to the same.), Three huge series’ we wrote:
One: This was on Perfection and it’s none-reality.
Two: This was on Perceptions, huge, huge…..
Three: This was On Gods unfailing, undeniable, everlasting
Love for all man kind.
I never blamed God for my circumstances, I never blamed Him
for the robbery, it was eight men who robbed the business to get more drugs. I
separated myself from even the legal proceedings. I don't know if you can
relate, but criminals use the judicial system. Most of them are just bouncing
back and forth from prison. The people that robbed me got away with killing
that man they robbed right after me. I chose not to be a part of it all,
because I knew it was not going to make a bit of difference.
Trust in the Lord with all your Heart and lean not on your
own understanding; in all your ways Acknowledge HIM, and He will make your path
straight. Proverbs 3:5,6. (NIV.)
When I stopped enough, to think about it God was there even
when I had no idea in my head, He was there, I reflect often of time when God
was working in my life and I did not recognize His hand at the time. The Above
Verse and The Two Prayers Listed here is what changed My Life: